Infertile Me, Incomplete Me-Part 2

This is a three part story of a woman who has seen the journey of being infertile very closely. After she completed writing this series and I thanked her for so bravely putting up her story in public she said that she wanted to thank me instead because writing helped her vent out. The anger that was seething deep inside even years later, the frustration, the depression and all that emotions finally got released. Thus, I decided not to edit this at all. This story is sure to touch your heart in a way that no other story ever did as this is story of real life and real emotions. She prefers to publish anonymously under the pen name of SilentCry

My Infertility Journey: The Feeling of Incompleteness

Do Read – Infertile Me, Incomplete Me – Part 1

One question created long pause in our lives. To ask a fitness freak for a sperm test was like asking a nun for virginity test. This taboo term had created calm water like situation at my home. I couldn’t speak of it and Capt doesn’t want to encounter it. We were avoiding each other during the leave period. He came, he saw and he left my bedroom. There were excuses to avoid getting up, close and personal with me. I was working for almost 10 hours a day and every time, I hopped inside my company car, I wished for some good sex. His routine was so not like peace postings. He woke up as early as the birds; spent the morning hours over endless cups of tea with his parents over Astha channel sermons. I woke up, slogged in kitchen and left for work. I slowly realised that things were slowly getting slipped under the carpet. Meanwhile, in-laws never shied away from making excuses about their “desi bahu” of being baanjh or barren. For them, it was always – infertile me.

The night before he was to march back to his location, I gathered my voice and grit and popped the question, when are you getting your sperm test done. He just said cut down your weight at first.

The blame game war had begun.

I realised that he is no mood to confront the problem. I insisted that we need to have a solution and dilly-dallying won’t help. Apparently, he had spoken the RMO (Registered Medical Officer) who said that the sperm test is to make the lady patient feel cathartic so that she doesn’t feels suffering the humiliation all alone. Basically, a psychological stunt by the doctors, per se. What logic! I was flabbergasted. However, the worst thing was that being naive at that time that I actually believed this logic.

Medical Officer said that the sperm test is to make the lady patient feel cathartic so that she doesn’t feels suffering the humiliation all alone. Basically, a psychological stunt by the doctors, per se.

Oblivious to my feelings he simply turned his back and pretended to sleep. I coaxed him to hug me but he didn’t seem to be moved at all. Heartbroken and confused, the morning arrived when he was leaving. He gave me a half hug like bromance and left.

Meanwhile to regularise my menstrual cycle, gynae had prescribed birth control pills for 6 months. I was called for the monthly check up and renewal of medicines. It continued till the news of next posting arrived.

With a few weeks of packing, moving and settling down, everything went to backseat. One of my neighbours had asked me about numbers associated with my married status and suddenly I realised that it was almost fours. I finally decided to face the situation and get over it. I said get your sperm test and we can seek ART help at the government hospital, Delhi. He agreed to go to the gynae next Saturday.

The day arrived and we drove to the gynae in the government hospital. Captain started off with…she is having weight issues and her periods are not regular too. She is too much into unhealthy eating and ceases from any physical activity too. The gynae jotted down a number of tests but the sperm test. I kept on wondering why pregnancy and related issues skirts around the women folk only. The next three days, got my pelvic ultrasound, HcG, TSH, FSH tests along with skin TB test. Somehow, when the attendant circled around my wrist, it had left me feeling like a social outcaste. For the next 48 hours, I prayed harder that there is no swelling at that spot, making the test positive. That was for the first time, when I prayed for negative result. My other reports were negative too. I was so happy but had to conceal my happiness as someone was watching me closely.

We decided to go ahead with second opinion at the Apollo Hospital. The poised gynae made me feel that she understood my pain. I was comfortable and cleared my doubts. I had given up my lucrative career by now to raise a family. I forced myself to think that giving birth to a baby was the ultimate way to validate my identity. Meanwhile, gynae suggested us for IUI and in the first place, prescribed to get a sperm test done. Check mate!!!

Finally the D-day arrived, Sunny Leone came to my rescue. For the first time, I witnessed that video clips can make any man ejaculate faster than you ever knew. I was impressed. Next 24 hours was crucial, the reports arrived and were devastatingly positive. The problem was with him. He refused to believe the reports and repeated the test. For he believed that men can’t be impotent. I was so relieved deep inside. The problem was not with me. Silence prevailed in our home yet again.